Newsbreak Laugh Break (№9)
After Trump leaves office, he will move to Florida, where he’s already been voted the official state fruit.
Alexei Navalny, a huge critic of the Kremlin, returns to Russia after being poisoned. He said he had done nothing illegal, but he was still Putin jail.
On Sunday, Pence bragged that the Trump administration was the first in decades that did not get America into a new war, which is strength through peace. He then went back under his desk to hide from the mob Trump sent to kill him.
On Wednesday, Trump moves to Florida, where he’ll have to wear a brown vest, so farmers don’t mistake him for an orange.
The Founder of Cowboys for Trump was arrested for involvement in the capital riot. But really, he just mistook Trump for a cow. Someone tell Paula Cole we finally found where all the Cowboys have gone, to Federal Prison.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Federal Rent Relief is coming. And once Biden is sworn in, we’ll finally get Federal RANT Relief. We finally get a break from ranting about Trump!
Ben and Jerry’s make ice cream for dogs. The true test is if you can successfully hide their medication in it. Flavors include peanut butter, garbage, toilet water, and cat poop.
Due to violent protests planned for inauguration week, Airbnb canceled all reservations in the Metro D.C. area. Sorry folks, the Purge is canceled! If you want to endanger others, go back to spreading the plague like the rest of America.
TIME Magazine’s named fifteen-year-old scientist and inventor Gitanjali Rao the first-ever ‘Kid Of The Year.’ Giving everyone more reason to feel worthless and un-accomplished.
The secret service, barred from using Ivanka’s bathroom, had to use one at Obamas’ nearby converted garage until they were banned for leaving an “unpleasant mess.” The unpleasant mess was Eric Trump. He was banned from Ivanka’s bathrooms as well.
According to Newsweek, an asteroid the size of the Empire State Building is to pass earth as Trump's Presidency ends. An asteroid is just space pooping. Space excretes waste the same day we do!
Giant 9-foot Python Spotted Slithering Outside Florida Family’s Home. Animal Control told them not to worry. It’s just Jared Kushner exploring his new neighborhood.