A simple guide to being a non-judgemental person.

Photo by Will Porada on Unsplash

I’m tired of all the preachy, high-horse articles telling people to stop doing things. “Stop ignoring calories,” “Stop counting calories,” “Stop dieting,” “Stop not dieting,” “Stop not-not dieting.” It’s confusing and judgmental. To be a better person, stop doing these annoying things.

When you have the impulse to tell someone to stop, stop. I would never, ever, in a million years, tell someone to stop doing something they were doing.

Keep your mouth closed and put your energy toward your own problems for a change. If you put half as much energy into telling other people to stop doing things…


Humor

Chekhov’s gun theory is a bunch of baloney.

I’m the famous playwright Anton Chekhov. You may know me for my most famous principle, Checkov’s gun. The principle states that every element in a story must be necessary and relevant. If a loaded gun is placed on the stage, it must go off. I am here to set the record straight, that interpretation of my work is bull.

I’m going to put this gun right on the table here, leave it, and when it doesn’t go off, you will see my point is proven. See. Nothing. Just because a gun is out and visible to the world doesn’t mean…


HUMOR

Take this quiz to find out how deep you’re in the quicksand.

Photo by Nicolas Cool on Unsplash
  1. You’re alone with no friends around to save you.
  2. Your life has been changed for the worse.
  3. You are dependent on Pyramids for survival.
  4. The only liquid around is something you definitely don’t want to drink.
  5. You are in an extremely dangerous place for humans.
  6. You feel like you are in hell.
  7. You’re in quicksand.
  8. You are surrounded by bottom feeders such as snakes, rats, vultures, and your upline.
  9. You’re in something that is on almost every continent.
  10. You’re in or near the epicenter of a religious cult.
  11. You keep falling for luxurious mirages of pools filled with gold bullion.


Humor

Skimpy shirts only, or you can’t sit with us!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Hey Boo!

It’s your girl, a famous Fabletics woman’s top. Sometimes I’m an adorable sporty tank top. Sometimes I’m a sassy midriff. Sometimes I’m nothing more than a sexy sports bra. And if you grew up with body issues, I’m ALWAYS showing more skin then you’re comfortable with.

I’m here to torture you with pics of how cute I look paired with the matching leggings. Even though you love me and will never find another top to match the colorful booty boosting bottoms, you can’t buy me. …


HUMOR

All is not calm, and all is definitely not right.

“Look at those cold, dead eyes.” Photo by Misty Ladd on Unsplash

DAY 1

A strange and grizzled man tries to break into your house through your chimney.

DAY 2

Reindeer inexplicably wind up on the roof of your two-story house.

DAY 3

One of those reindeer is exhibiting signs of severe rabies via a neon-red nose that lights up the night sky like an emergency flare.

DAY 4

A creepy elf doll moves around your house in new, unexpected places on its own accord — staring at you with those wide, cold-dead eyes.

DAY 5

You come downstairs in the morning to find that the grizzled stranger managed to: break into…


I lobe you, I’m just not IN lobe with you

Photo by Fakurian Design on Unsplash

Hey, I feel terrible about this, but after 31 beautiful years, it’s time we lobotomize this relationship. And no, this is not because your head is too small. Sure, your skull size might be considered below average, but it truly is how you use it.

The thing is, we have different priorities. You want to focus on work and I want to get distracted by random thoughts. You want to spend all your time acquiring knowledge to save humankind, while I can barely remember my name if I see a butterfly.

This isn’t easy for me. You put up with…


HUMOR

Pizza vending machines, financially concerned alligators, and other news that barely makes the grade.

photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Hey, it’s ya girl, Bailey Passing. I’m the Heather that everyone stans. Except for salty AF Mr. S who is too boujee for my spilt tea on the news. But finna keep it up, it’s my lewk! Yeet!

Washington state allows for free marijuana joints with each Covid-19 vaccine. Who’s laughing now about that free Crispy Creme Donut? Hashtag yumzies!

Rome gets its first pizza vending machine. Nice try Rome, but you‘re gonna to have to do better than that to steal our Teenage Mutant Turtles! Take several seats dot com.

A U.S. marine recruit has died in South Carolina…


HUMOR

Unsolved animal crossing mysteries, edible cicadas, and other news that barely makes the grade.

photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

What up, fam! It’s your girl, Bailey Passing. Hold on to your Ticktoks, this week’s hot tea is legit so extra it’s dummy thic! yeet!

Images from trail cameras show how deer, black bears, mountain lions, porcupines, and alligators safely cross the road. But the mystery of why the chicken crossed the road still goes unsolved, creating thousands of speculative punchlines each year. So sadge!

Amazon will no longer screen workers for Marijuana use. Instead, they’ll see who is giggling all the time and eating all the snacks in the breakroom. Hashtag dope is not dope.

FDA Issues Advice on…


HUMOR

Illegal monkey parties, disappointing TV reunions, and other news that barely makes the grade.

photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Hey, hey, hey. It’s ya girl, Bailey Passing. Yo Fam, dropping the hot tea on current events is so high-key hard AF, that I’m quaking. For realzies, I’m throwing shade at the news. It’s seriously oof. Damn Mr. S why you gotta be so wack? I’m seriously driving myself cray-cray, kk? Just pass me already!

A woman is fired from her job for climbing into a primate exhibit at El Paso Zoo. That company has zero tolerance for monkeying around. Hashtag turnt.

Two cargo handlers are accused of stealing four gold bars from a shipment sent to Los Angeles International…


HUMOR

Republicans, Liars, and Tigers, Oh My! And other news that barely makes the grade.

photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

It’s ya girl, Bailey Passing. Vibe check. Wack. My civics teacher, Mr. S, is Cheugy AF and TITF, IMHO. TBH, yeet I’m throwing shade. In my sitch, it’s totes appropes. But my tea this week on current events is I’m still here dropping the baller AF tea, slaps so hard it’s going to leave a positive mark on my grade. I’m totes gonna pass civics. YEET!

The criminal group that hacked the US pipeline is known as the Dark Side. US officials beg for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi because he is our only hope. …

Susan Sassi

Competition placing TV writer, comedian, & professional Cathy impersonator living in LA. www.susansassi.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store