HUMOR

Take this quiz to find out how deep you’re in the quicksand.

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Photo by Nicolas Cool on Unsplash
  1. You’re alone with no friends around to save you.
  2. Your life has been changed for the worse.
  3. You are dependent on Pyramids for survival.
  4. The only liquid around is something you definitely don’t want to drink.
  5. You are in an extremely dangerous place for humans.
  6. You feel like you are in hell.
  7. You’re in quicksand.
  8. You are surrounded by bottom feeders such as snakes, rats, vultures, and your upline.
  9. You’re in something that is on almost every continent.
  10. You’re in or near the epicenter of a religious cult.
  11. You keep falling for luxurious mirages of pools filled with gold bullion.
  12. You may have just done something illegal. …


HUMOR

Take this quiz to find out and see what you won!

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Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels

You’ve heard one too many times, “Mental Disorders are a choice! You have to pull yourself out of it.” But should you? Decisions are hard! After minutes of thinking it over and doing zero scientific research, I came up with a list to help you decide if mental illness is the right lifestyle for you. If you agree with at least three of the below statements, congratulations! You choose to have a mental illness! Read the description to see what you won!

  1. You aspire to waste your artistic genius — Eh, accomplishments are overrated. But who wants to be memorialized forever for bringing world peace through a screenplay or melting the cold dead heart of Kellyanne Conway with a transformative music composition? Not You! Boring! …


Humor

Skimpy shirts only, or you can’t sit with us!

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Hey Boo!

It’s your girl, a famous Fabletics woman’s top. Sometimes I’m an adorable sporty tank top. Sometimes I’m a sassy midriff. Sometimes I’m nothing more than a sexy sports bra. And if you grew up with body issues, I’m ALWAYS showing more skin then you’re comfortable with.

I’m here to torture you with pics of how cute I look paired with the matching leggings. Even though you love me and will never find another top to match the colorful booty boosting bottoms, you can’t buy me. …


HUMOR

All is not calm, and all is definitely not right.

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“Look at those cold, dead eyes.” Photo by Misty Ladd on Unsplash

DAY 1

A strange and grizzled man tries to break into your house through your chimney.

DAY 2

Reindeer inexplicably wind up on the roof of your two-story house.

DAY 3

One of those reindeer is exhibiting signs of severe rabies via a neon-red nose that lights up the night sky like an emergency flare.

DAY 4

A creepy elf doll moves around your house in new, unexpected places on its own accord — staring at you with those wide, cold-dead eyes.

DAY 5

You come downstairs in the morning to find that the grizzled stranger managed to: break into your home, drink all of your oat milk, and leave sooty footprints, ruining your expensive carpet. …


Every breath you take, every payment you don’t make, I’ll be watching you.

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Photo by Ehud Neuhaus

My dearest love. It’s me, your student debt.

There was a time you wanted me in your life. When we met, you were a naive, doe-eyed 18-year-old who thought it was good to agree to such lofty interest rates. If only you knew it would be the start of something so beautiful.

I supported your dreams and your career. I believed in you when your parents couldn’t afford to do so. If it weren’t for me, you would have had to do the unthinkable, go to Community College! Where dreams go to die.

I thought it would be you and me forever. But then you cheated on me with a car loan! And now you’re applying for a mortgage?! No one else is going to be there for you, like me! No one else will let you put the payment on hold so you can pay rent. Credit Cards? Please. They can’t provide as I do. I’ll never ruin your credit score by forcing you into Bankruptcy! I only send reminders of your late payments because I care. I’m the only one who does. …


HUMOR

News with a twist of comedy for easier digestion.

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photo by Abo Ngalonkulu on Unsplash

After Trump leaves office, he will move to Florida, where he’s already been voted the official state fruit.

Alexei Navalny, a huge critic of the Kremlin, returns to Russia after being poisoned. He said he had done nothing illegal, but he was still Putin jail.

On Sunday, Pence bragged that the Trump administration was the first in decades that did not get America into a new war, which is strength through peace. He then went back under his desk to hide from the mob Trump sent to kill him.

On Wednesday, Trump moves to Florida, where he’ll have to wear a brown vest, so farmers don’t mistake him for an orange. …


MAD LIBS HUMOR

A Mad Libs satire of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves

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Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

Disclaimer: This story is intended to be random and humorous. It is published in Fill in the Blanks publication, inspired by the classic game, Mad Libs. Blank words contributed by Elan Cassandra, Rujenx, Julia Appa, Victoria A. Fraser, Damon Ferrara, Quy Ma, Jamaal Ameer, Sandra Grauschopf, Christopher Kokoski, and Dariuš Butkevičius.

A long time ago, in a far off [corner] of Knotting ‘Merica, there was a [morbid], wicked [cougar] named Dump. Dump [kicked] the Sherriff Fitch FiConnel to tax the working class so [revolutionarily] they could [recklessly] survive. But a brave, [romantic] fellow, Robin Pelosi, and Little Bern had enough. …


HUMOR

News with a twist of comedy for easier digestion.

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photo by Abo Ngalonkulu on Unsplash

Bitcoin users who forget their password get 10 guesses before the website seizes up and encrypts its contents forever, locking millionaires permanently out of their Bitcoin fortunes and creating the highest stakes game show on the planet. Win, Lose, or Bitcoin.

A manatee in Florida was spotted with “Trump” written on its back. It took the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service a while to locate the mammal because, to be fair, it is hard to tell the difference between Trump and a manatee.

Trump aide Hogan Gidley told Fox News that the president is ‘the most masculine person, I think, to ever hold the White House.’ …


HUMOR

News with a twist of comedy for easier digestion.

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photo by Abo Ngalonkulu on Unsplash

Police have arrested Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio. Of course, they nab the one guy with an ethnic name, leaving them the undisputed champion of Where’s Non-White Waldo.

Google employees formed a new workers union, Alphabet. Which is brought to you by the letters “A” and “F,” “U.”

NEWS ARTICLE: WHO calls for expanded measures to find COVID variants.

ME: That’s what I’m trying to figure out!

NEWS ARTICLE: It’s WHO

ME: That’s what I’m asking!

NEWS ARTICLE: WHO is the World Health Organization.

ME: I don’t know!

NEWS ARTICLE: Third base

A leaked call reveals Trump is pressuring Georgia officials to find him more votes. This whole time I thought Trump was orange, but he’s actually a Georgia imPeach. …


HUMOR

News with a twist of comedy for easier digestion.

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photo by Abo Ngalonkulu on Unsplash

British bakers invented a new confection called Santa’s Yum Nut. It’s a flakey donut made to look like Santa’s pants. Finally, we have Santa by the balls!

A new video on Youtube features Wunderland, an amusement park in Germany built on the former site of a nuclear power plant. The most popular rides included: Tilt-a-Hurl, Ferris Wheel of Misfortune, Gravitronium, Tornadon’t, and Cancertron.

Huffington Post released a list of healthy foods inspired by the pandemic that we have to look forward to in 2021. And I can tell with 100% certainty it is healthy by how disgusting it all looks.

McConnell suggests the Senate May consider $2,000 stimulus checks, in exchange for Trump’s other demands: election security, removing some legal protections for technology companies, and your firstborn son. …

About

Susan Sassi

Competition placing TV writer, comedian, & professional Cathy impersonator living in LA. www.susansassi.com

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