You’ve heard one too many times, “Mental Disorders are a choice! You have to pull yourself out of it.” But should you? Decisions are hard! After minutes of thinking it over and doing zero scientific research, I came up with a list to help you decide if mental illness is the right lifestyle for you. If you agree with at least three of the below statements, congratulations! You choose to have a mental illness! Read the description to see what you won!
It’s your girl, a famous Fabletics woman’s top. Sometimes I’m an adorable sporty tank top. Sometimes I’m a sassy midriff. Sometimes I’m nothing more than a sexy sports bra. And if you grew up with body issues, I’m ALWAYS showing more skin then you’re comfortable with.
I’m here to torture you with pics of how cute I look paired with the matching leggings. Even though you love me and will never find another top to match the colorful booty boosting bottoms, you can’t buy me. …
A strange and grizzled man tries to break into your house through your chimney.
Reindeer inexplicably wind up on the roof of your two-story house.
One of those reindeer is exhibiting signs of severe rabies via a neon-red nose that lights up the night sky like an emergency flare.
A creepy elf doll moves around your house in new, unexpected places on its own accord — staring at you with those wide, cold-dead eyes.
You come downstairs in the morning to find that the grizzled stranger managed to: break into your home, drink all of your oat milk, and leave sooty footprints, ruining your expensive carpet. …
My dearest love. It’s me, your student debt.
There was a time you wanted me in your life. When we met, you were a naive, doe-eyed 18-year-old who thought it was good to agree to such lofty interest rates. If only you knew it would be the start of something so beautiful.
I supported your dreams and your career. I believed in you when your parents couldn’t afford to do so. If it weren’t for me, you would have had to do the unthinkable, go to Community College! Where dreams go to die.
I thought it would be you and me forever. But then you cheated on me with a car loan! And now you’re applying for a mortgage?! No one else is going to be there for you, like me! No one else will let you put the payment on hold so you can pay rent. Credit Cards? Please. They can’t provide as I do. I’ll never ruin your credit score by forcing you into Bankruptcy! I only send reminders of your late payments because I care. I’m the only one who does. …
After Trump leaves office, he will move to Florida, where he’s already been voted the official state fruit.
Alexei Navalny, a huge critic of the Kremlin, returns to Russia after being poisoned. He said he had done nothing illegal, but he was still Putin jail.
On Sunday, Pence bragged that the Trump administration was the first in decades that did not get America into a new war, which is strength through peace. He then went back under his desk to hide from the mob Trump sent to kill him.
On Wednesday, Trump moves to Florida, where he’ll have to wear a brown vest, so farmers don’t mistake him for an orange. …
Disclaimer: This story is intended to be random and humorous. It is published in Fill in the Blanks publication, inspired by the classic game, Mad Libs. Blank words contributed by Elan Cassandra, Rujenx, Julia Appa, Victoria A. Fraser, Damon Ferrara, Quy Ma, Jamaal Ameer, Sandra Grauschopf, Christopher Kokoski, and Dariuš Butkevičius.
A long time ago, in a far off [corner] of Knotting ‘Merica, there was a [morbid], wicked [cougar] named Dump. Dump [kicked] the Sherriff Fitch FiConnel to tax the working class so [revolutionarily] they could [recklessly] survive. But a brave, [romantic] fellow, Robin Pelosi, and Little Bern had enough. …
Bitcoin users who forget their password get 10 guesses before the website seizes up and encrypts its contents forever, locking millionaires permanently out of their Bitcoin fortunes and creating the highest stakes game show on the planet. Win, Lose, or Bitcoin.
A manatee in Florida was spotted with “Trump” written on its back. It took the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service a while to locate the mammal because, to be fair, it is hard to tell the difference between Trump and a manatee.
Trump aide Hogan Gidley told Fox News that the president is ‘the most masculine person, I think, to ever hold the White House.’ …
Police have arrested Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio. Of course, they nab the one guy with an ethnic name, leaving them the undisputed champion of Where’s Non-White Waldo.
Google employees formed a new workers union, Alphabet. Which is brought to you by the letters “A” and “F,” “U.”
NEWS ARTICLE: WHO calls for expanded measures to find COVID variants.
ME: That’s what I’m trying to figure out!
NEWS ARTICLE: It’s WHO
ME: That’s what I’m asking!
NEWS ARTICLE: WHO is the World Health Organization.
ME: I don’t know!
NEWS ARTICLE: Third base
A leaked call reveals Trump is pressuring Georgia officials to find him more votes. This whole time I thought Trump was orange, but he’s actually a Georgia imPeach. …
British bakers invented a new confection called Santa’s Yum Nut. It’s a flakey donut made to look like Santa’s pants. Finally, we have Santa by the balls!
A new video on Youtube features Wunderland, an amusement park in Germany built on the former site of a nuclear power plant. The most popular rides included: Tilt-a-Hurl, Ferris Wheel of Misfortune, Gravitronium, Tornadon’t, and Cancertron.
Huffington Post released a list of healthy foods inspired by the pandemic that we have to look forward to in 2021. And I can tell with 100% certainty it is healthy by how disgusting it all looks.
McConnell suggests the Senate May consider $2,000 stimulus checks, in exchange for Trump’s other demands: election security, removing some legal protections for technology companies, and your firstborn son. …